A Dad’s Christmas Gift Ideas – Shit I Say

I come from a long line of teases. Teasers. Dads being dads.

A lot of times I think I add to my kids’ enjoyment of life. Their enrichment. Making indelible memories they’ll one day look back upon fondly.

Or at least I build up their tolerance to bullshit. You know, of the crazy uncle or teasing dad kind.

Hey, they gotta learn it somewhere.

And when I find something that truly gets my kids going, laughing until they sneeze, or cry, or puke, I work it until they can’t take it anymore.

Pure fun, right!

(Insert maniacal cackle here.)

On a related subject, and the point of this post, let me remind you that as of today there are less than two weeks until Christmas!!!

It was around this time last year, as I was quizzing my then four-year-old, Caleb, about what he wanted for Christmas, and he said he really didn’t know (the perfect opening!) that I started reeling off these inspired ideas.

He was highly amused. “NO!!!” he’d bellow, laughing. “That’s not a REAL present!”

And then alarmed: would I really be getting these things for him?

“Me? I’m just Dad. I only pass all this on to Santa.”

“NOOOOOOO!”

All You Could Ask for… And More

Here’s a partial list. Enjoy!

1. A Commemorative Soap Engraving of Your First Pacifier
2. A Scale Model NASCAR Race Car Made of Finest Wisconsin Cheese
3. A Personalized Pillow Woven From Your Brothers’ Hair
4. An Amber Paperweight To Preserve Your Deceased Pet’s Canine Teeth
5. A Diorama Starring Your Kindergarten Class! Carved from a First-Prize Pumpkin
6. A Photo Collage Illustrating a Year’s Worth of Your Unfinished Dinners
7. A Bathmat Shaped In Your Grandmother’s Silhouette
8. All of This Year’s Special Edition LEGO Minifigures… Ground Up and Rehaped into One, Giant LEGO Brick
9. A Special Playlist of Rare Beatles B-Sides, Sung By Your Scoutmaster In His Sleep
10. Your Very Own Cardboard Pet Turtle, Shared With Your Brother
11. A G.I. Joe Doll That Looks Like You… And Really Eats, Wets and Poos!
12. A Genuine Bottle Cap Toothbrush
13. A 16-Month Toothpicks of Sioux Falls Restaurants Calendar
14. A Year’s Supply of Cocktail Pickles in the Shape of Marvel’s X-Men!
15. A Scale Memory Foam Model of Your Brother’s Hands, With Easy Affix Strap to Fit Your Hand
16. Scratch and Sniff Favorite Toilets of South Dakota Sticker Album
17. Customized Bedroom  Planetarium with Constellations in the Shape of Your Brothers’ Smiles
18. Soothing Sounds CD of Neighborhood Dogs Confined to Garages for the Day
19. Deluxe Daycare Teachers Finger Puppet Set
20. Songs of the Stuffed Humpback Whale CD
21. Toast of the Month Club: Free 7-Day Shipping Included!

You’re welcome!